You, Lord, brought me up from the realm of the dead;
you spared me from going down to the pit. (Psalm 30:3)
When I was first revived from my attempted overdose, I was angry. Really angry.
I was angry at my wife for finding me instead of letting me alone to die.
“Why did you have to find me when you did?”
“Couldn’t you just have left me alone?”
“I’d have been better off dead.”
I was angry at myself for attempting suicide in the first place.
“What possessed me to do this?”
“What was I thinking?”
“How could I do this to my family?”
I even became angry with God.
“Why does it all have to be so complicated?”
“Why do I have to go through this?”
Fortunately, I passed through this season of rage. It has taken years of prayer, Bible study, and counseling to move through my anger – particularly anger at myself. Yet, I have come to a place of gratitude. I thank God for preserving my life and giving me a fresh start after I had made such a mess of things. I came to celebrate with another Psalmist what God had done,
He lifted me out of the slimy pit,
out of the mud and mire;
he set my feet on a rock
and gave me a firm place to stand. (Psalm 40:2)
The saving love of God in Christ now means even more to me than it did before I attempted suicide. God saved me from what was almost certain death at my own hands. Those pills should have killed me, but they didn’t. Through monitored medication, persistent prayers, and Biblical guidance, God then set my feet on solid ground so I could move forward in faith, one step at a time.
Salvation is for me now more than a future hope of entering heaven. It is a daily deliverance to live abundantly on earth in spite of my desire to choose death.