I wait for the Lord, my whole being waits,
and in his word I put my hope.
I wait for the Lord
more than watchmen wait for the morning,
more than watchmen wait for the morning. (Psalm 130:5-6)
It’s still dark outside. I lie awake staring at the ceiling, wondering how much of my mind I’ll have left by the end of the day. In just a short while I will be having my first dosage of Electro-Convulsive Therapy (E.C.T.) or “Shock Treatment.” While I’ll be administered only a mild dose, the idea of subjecting my brain to a jolt of electrical current of any amount is a bit unnerving.
Lying in bed, my mind wonders.
“Am I forcing God’s hand by seeking this still-controversial treatment?” Or,
“Am I submitting to the hands of gifted professionals who might help me recover to better serve the LORD?”
As I lay in the darkness, no clear answer is to be found. I am left to wonder, wait, and watch for what will happen next.
Six years later:
I’m still wondering if E.C.T. was right in my particular case. Given the information I had at the time, I have to believe it was worth a shot. My illness and the aggressive medications I was taking were sapping the strength of my brain and the E.C.T. could have put things in working order for some time. While I found no relief from the treatment, others do. Like any medical procedures, there are no guarantees.
I’m still waiting. Still watching. Still hoping. Hoping to serve God with my whole heart, body, and mind. Or, at least as much of my mind as I have left.