I lift up my eyes to the hills—
from where will my help come?
My help comes from the Lord,
who made heaven and earth. (Psalm 121:1-2, NRSV)
Many times in the Psalms, a question is asked out of despair. Where is God? Why does sin persist? How long must I endure? Hard questions are raised to which there are no easy answers. The Psalmist who endures such great hardship struggles with the purpose and meaning of such suffering.
And then, out of the blue, the answer comes. Where does help come from? It comes from the LORD, who made all things and to whom all things return. The answer is beautifully simple, but it’s not easy. It’s not easy to trust that in the midst of our hardship the God who is in control of all things will also be the One to work things out.
Lately, the hardest question I’ve had to face is why I do not live with my wife and children. It’s hard enough when people ask me about my separation, but it’s even harder when I face the question alone in prayer. Was I not supposed to marry her? What could I have done differently to make it work? Should I return home and just try harder?
The seemingly easy thing would be to get a divorce and join the over 90% of folks with bipolar whose marriages have ended. But as the child of parents who divorced, I know that this is never an easy solution. As much as I’d like to believe starting over makes sense, there is a reason Jesus calls divorce and remarriage adultery and no amount of worldly counseling to the contrary can convince me this is God’s will.
So, I live with the hard questions. There is no help to be found in the hills of this life.
But, in God’s own time, I trust that help comes from the Lord. The Lord who made heaven and earth will one day usher in a new heaven and a new earth. There will be reconciliation, (maybe not as soon as I would like or in the way we would prefer) but it will be for the best, and better than I can imagine.
In the meantime, I wait. I pray. I make phone calls. I write letters. I visit. I try to avoid senseless arguments or pointless accusations. I confess my sin, repent, and obey what God tells me to do. Each morning God gives me the grace to begin again. My help comes from the Lord, and this help will one day lead me home. It may not be the home I once knew, but it will be the place where God means for me to be.